King Tut and the Gay Agenda

Talk radio is abuzz. Internet chat rooms are in a tizzy. The conservative and Christian right stir the pot into a seething foment. After being pronounced dead and mummified over three thousand years ago, King Tut has come to life and he has a lot of people hopping mad.

"You don't believe gays are everywhere pushing their agenda?" asked Pat Robertson. "Explain how three independant teams of researchers, through MRI scanning of a mummy, came to the conclusion that King Tut was gay? MRIs of old bones can't show makeup and eye shadow, you know. It's the gays' queerification of America at play here."

Many conservative religious leaders echoed the sentiments after a picture of what researchers think King Tut looked like was released. King Tut is pictured as a small framed (5'6") boy of nineteen with a boyish, almost feminine face, pronounced overbite, weak chin, and sloping, elongated skull. His smooth, hairless skin appeared to have makeup on and his eyes appeared to sport a dab of eye shadow.


While everyone had something to say and theories to offer, the prevalent belief to emerge is that revisionist historians are portraying well known, historic figures as homosexuals. The theory goes that the more famous people who are viewed as gay, the more tolerant people will become of them. Eventually, that tolerance of gays will give way to acceptance and acceptance will give way to liking homosexuals.

"They [homosexuals] are well on their way to making people like them and before long they'll be in our schools recruiting new members. They can't procreate so they recruit," said Jerry Falwell. "We must put an end to this nonsense before we find a homosexual behind every decent American."

When a reporter asked President Bush about the King Tut controversy, he simply stated, "To each his own. It's not for me to judge. But if he tries to come to this country, first, he won't be king. There's no room for another king in this country. And second, I hope he doesn't come here hoping to get married. We just don't do that."

When the reporter started to explain that King Tut can't come to this country because he's been dead for over three thousand years, President Bush abruptly cut him off before the reporter could explain. "Look. I don't understand homosexuality, but if our immigration laws are stopping him from coming here because of it, then he can always enter the country through Mexico like everyone else."

Gay rights advocates are enraged at the controversy. "You can't look at someone and say 'They're gay.' It doesn't work that way," commented a spokesman for the National Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transsexual, and Transgendered Alliance, a national gay rights group. "Stereotypes might help make sense of the world for some people, but it won't help them understand it correctly."

When pressed further on the issue, he added, "He was a king. Don't these religious and conservative nuts know that if he were gay, he'd have been queen?"

The storm over King Tut rages on....

This is satire and purely fictional

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